Welcome to my deepest mind and thoughts. Writing for me as always been therapeutic, and something I always truly love to do, so much so, it was my major in college. There is much more to me than the eye candy image, and here is where it will be reveled. Here is where I will express my emotions, my thoughts, my inner feelings, and my mind, so that it will transpire over a beauty image that is shown, and prove that beauty is truly only skin deep.
.I use to wonder why am I here, why was I born, why was I created and molded by the hands of God, why did God plant the seed for me to born and grow in the plant of life?
My curiosity as a child use to battle my mind with numerous of thoughts of my defined purpose, it left me wondering and questioning the whys, the hows, and the how comes.
With the unfortunate hand of cards I was dealt with since my early child hood, it made me feel like I was mistake that perhaps God didn’t realize I existed and somehow forgot my present existence. That perhaps he overlooked me and didn’t see that I was alive.
I didn’t fit in with the kids around me in school and home didn’t make me feel any more complete. As I grew a little older, life was throwing me more curve balls that one can handle, and I began to ask God literally why am I here, do you know that I am here, if so, why is all of this happening? How can all of this be existing, the pain, the hurt, the experiences. I thought perhaps God placed a foot print on my life to go through such misery, purposely, because in my head it just didn’t add up right, and made no clear sense in my mind.
The rejection from those around me confused my heart, the rejection from men broke my heart, the rejection from life, broke me into pieces.
And than one day God knocked on my heart and poured the dream into my mind to be a model, I felt like I had finally found my true calling and even more so, a purpose atleast 1 purpose in life. I felt like I found a definition to my name, a meaning to what I considered a hidden life, and that excited me.
Like most, I didn’t carry the title of daughter, sister, mother, auntie, cousin, wife, andit made my role in life seem empty, and when I had the desire to want to be a model I felt special like I was finally crowned with a title, a role in this life.
So when the gift was given to me to have the talent to be photogenic, I held on to it with my life, heart and soul, it was held on so tightly, so strongly, and if anyone felt like they could take it away from me, it would be like taking away bait from a tiger, I would quickly attack. My dream meant soo much to me, it was all I had, all I had to fight for, all I had to live for.
So I chased it with all that I had in me, I fought for it with all the fight I had in me, I treasured it with all my heart could savor it with. As I birth my dream, I noticed the world started to see something in me, I never even saw in myself. As I placed my photographs online, the world, started to desire to Karisma, as I placed my life story online, the world started to want to know Karisma, as I placed my writings online the world discovered my other unknown talent, and within a few yrs, before I knew it Karisma was starting to create a name of its own, and I was now a title to someone, a title to the world.
I look back at some of my old photographs as a child when I was once so young, so sad, so lost, where I felt like belonged no where, where I felt like I belonged to no one. Where I felt like a missing piece to a puzzle, where I felt like the black sheep, where I felt like with such tragic memories that carry from childhood, I realize I am gift, a gift to this world with photography, with writings, with inspiration, with talent, with a destiny to be who I am today.
When I was told, that I wasn’t suppose to be here by doctors to my mother, because she wasn’t able to conceive, i believed it.
But I am someone now, I am somebody to someone now, I carry a purpose now, I am able to touch those that I don’t know in the world, and touch those around me.
This is one of my purposes in life. So when you look at a modeling photograph of me, don’t just see a pretty face, see what the picture really holds a woman who was once lost, but has been found, a woman who has a passion for her destiny, a woman who once carried no title in this world but received one from the hands of God, a woman who believed in no purpose but was determined to find one, and finally has.
I no longer mask my face with tears, I no longer fill my mind with questions, I no longer ask God why, I no longer carry rejection in my spirit. When I awake, I am excited to film myself, I am excited to photograph myself, I am excited to edit my work, and I feel more at peace with who I am and I feel most of all complete. I am stronger now, I am more blessed now, and I am alive now.
I know my purpose doesn’t begin and end with my career, so I look forward to the journey of what else God has for me to do.
As I see the fan mail pouring into my emails, and the comments displayed by my pictures, the fantasy of Karisma that makes many get excited to want to see more of me, it melts my heart that God didn’t forget about me, that God knows that I do exist, that God did give me a purpose, that God did grant me a title, and now I am able to live my defined purpose everyday.
So if you feel lost to your defined definition in life, if my mind and thoughts are making you confused to what really brings you here on earth, if you have negative energy that sucks out an happy energy you may have and replace it with endless sayings that say you’re a mistake, youre nothing, you serve no purpose, please don’t be like me and let it control your life. Know that you are here for a reason, not to sound cliche but the fact is God made you here for a reason, there is something you are really good at that no one else can do like you. Don’t go through life, by just breathing and not living, I promise you will regret it. Don’t let others put you down or have you to believe you serve no purpose. I dont care what you have done bad in your life and where your life sits today, you have a purpose, all you have to do is find it..
Many ask, many wonder, others have pondering thoughts, alot assume, and many make their own conclusion of who Karisma is and why does she do this, why does she do that.
I’ve gotten endless emails of questions that poured into my in box that injects their curiosity by asking me things like this: “when I go to your fan page I see you publish inspiring quotes, with sexy images and than confuse me with biblical sayings of how you are in love with the Lord, and than I fall into your twitter page and you display a different side, with advertising your video vixen body with endless booty pics and than your personal website misskarisma.com and blog site, confuses me even more because there you seem like a woman who carries a mind with that body of yours, and than you have an adult site that showcases what appears to duplicate a porn site, I don’t get it!! How can you talk about God on your fb fan page and than advertise your “porn site”.
I love receiving emails with inquiring minds. Since many have questioned me and my multiple sites that carry its own personality’s, this is for you, to relax your thoughts, and to change your assumptions and to conceive the real conclusion of what and why is displayed to the world.
I describe myself as a woman of various elements which is why when you arrive at my websites they all appear to be different because they all showcase a different side of me. I want the world to know me internally as they do externally. So allow me to dissect it for you.
When you meet my, it carry’s one of my most personal parts of me, the real me. FB fan page displays one of the most real sides of me. Here I can be myself in front of the world, remove my sexy video vixen mask, and perform the real me without wanting or expecting anything. I get to express my real inner thoughts and offer any kind of advice that may help someone out there. When I post a quote its how I truly feel, when I preach about my Love for God that’s how my heart speaks. , connects to my real life personality. I constantly offer advice to my friends because I love to help people, and as bizarre it may seem, I am a Christan at heart that attends church weekly.
When you step into my Twitter World, that’s my hustle and grind also known as my advertising tool to fulfill my online occupation. There you will see a different side of me the more external comes out, the eye candy of me is published so that it invites you into my occupation world which is my online membership site.
My membership site(misskarisma.com), is where I transform like a nurse who puts on her uniform. Shes all about work, ready to help people and it consist all about that and nothing more. Money is on her mind and succeeding at her job is her priority. Its the same concept for me. That part of me is about entertaining clients and fulfilling fantasy and making that quota to supply my bills that life gives me, nothing more, nothing less.
Than there is my entertainment site, as I also call my personal youtube channel. After being on Youtube, for 3 years, I decided to take things into my own hands and create my own youtube channel site, where there was no limitations and no restrictions and I was free to fully be me. So in 2010 my 3 rd baby was born and that was Karismatv.
And than there is my mental side, I want you to see the other gift God has granted me with and a passion I carried since youth, my blog site. Here is where I connect with you on a mental level where you get to see what my mind carries, as I birth out my inner thoughts .
This site is my second passion, because writing is embedded into my veins, just as much as modeling is. I truly love to write and express how I feel. Its more than just a hobby for me.
And lastly my Bio world. My bio world where you are properly introduced to misskarisma and can get all the depth facts about yours miss truly. I want you to know how this all began for me, who I really am whats behind the eye candy, and discover that there is a real story to me. There is always a story to ones life how they become who they’ve become and the journey it took to get there. My bio site is truly just the beginning chapter of what will later be produced with more in depth facts into an autobiography.
So you see, Miss Karisma is just not a name, is just not a model, is just not an eye candy, is just not an adult entertainer, is just not a writer, Miss Karisma is all of that combined. I am different from the rest, and I want the world to not only fall in love with the image of Karisma but love the real beauty that’s exists behind the images. I always say beauty is only skin deep. Beauty fades. And when mines does, it wont be just that left, a memory of my beauty, it will be a platform that carries all the elements of me, which is why you meet the different sides of Miss Karisma.
The Lord gives us all so many gifts/talents it amazes me how a lot of people limit themselves to not letting out their gifts be shared with the world. I myself love what God gave me, and I will utilize each and every gift that he personally made for me, till the last breath of me breathes. So you wanted to know why all my websites seem to differ each other, that is because we all have multiple gifts, I just happen to be brave enough to share mines with the world.
- Miss Karisma
Indulge into my websites:
With 2011 approaching rapidly, I sit and take a whole look at my life lived for 2010. The haunting memories of Jan 1, 2010 relives in my mind from day to day but only as encouragement and motivation to continue to push harder for what I truly want and where I truly want to be.
The beginning of the year I slowly admit has been one of the toughest for me in financially. With the economy turning over few years ago, hitting millions, me as well was caught up in the web of being in a financial drought, the economy attacked me in major ways leaving me with more than wondering thoughts of what am I really going to do.
With the characteristic embedded in me to not ask for hand outs and pride so high to not ask those close to me for help, I not only did not sit on my ass and hope for someone to give me assistance, I kept quiet, formulated a plan and than requested God to bless it.
I can never forget that dreadful moment where I felt this time I really had no answers, I really had no plans or solutions to what felt like a never ending problem, and I got on my hands and knees after tearfully crying for a few hours and begged and prayed to my only savior God and I asked for his help and trusted that he would save me and I haven’t looked back since.
I will be celebrating my 1 yr anniversary for misskarisma sales in Feb 2011 and it was right before than I had asked God for help. I was in major turmoil not only in finances but with other personal areas in my life.
I thank God 1st and far most for blessing me with ideas, the strength, the ability and the gift to be able to do what I love and gain an income from it. I cant be thankful enough to my Lord Savior for pulling me out the dark hole and rescuing me like I was lost in a fire being burned alive with his mercy, his love, and his help. I forever thank my fans, the supports, and the members of misskarisma.com/showroom, trust a little can go a long way.
To many I am looked upon at what my occupation is presented online as a hoe, ass shaker and mostly nothing that society can give respect or credit on. But if you was able to even take a microscope look into the last two years of my life, you would applaud me. To many yes Iam just the simple black girl that has a fat ass and shakes it online for a monthly fee, but in reality I had put my stubbornness that I had gained back in 2003 when I was rejected by modeling agencies and unable to pay for photo shoot, and refused to take no for answer to become something in my career, to use to learn my html skills to build the website that showcase the videos, I put my un taught skills to film my own videos, I put my non learning in school editing skills to use, to edit my videos and take my own photos, edit them and publish them online. I take my non promoting learning skills that one takes a degree for to use to promote myself online to gain customers to use. So yes when a video or picture of me is displayed, it is viewed as a typical black girl with a fat ass, but behind that picture I am the photographer, behind that video, I am the Filmer and editor.
I solely run it all by myself, so much so that I am the boss of Miss Karisma Designs LLC . I had even taken the time to learn about business on my own and teach myself how to run one, and that is what I am proud of.
I am forever grateful to my stubbornness 7 years ago when I had no one to take my photos for me and build me a website, that I taught my self to do it, that now in 2010 I am solely doing it all by myself, thanks to the Lord.
This year as taught me a lot in my personal life who you can trust and can’t, what can happen to you if you don’t plan and prepare, how u can drown in your own life of problems if you let it. There’s a story to be told about my life that I will 1 day share, and each year is an added chapter of life full experiences that I go thorough that you wouldn’t even imagine truly exist.
As I mature mentally in this Ent. business, I gradually feel my mindset aging in the process because I now look at things different than when I was just shaking my “ass” on myspace and youtube few years ago, and I am proud that I am learning and gaining knowledge in all that I do. I wanted a name for myself and each day I am building that.
This year has given me more knowledge and experience than anything else, and I must admit more bad than good experiences had been birth from this year, but as always I inhale it, suck it up and move on and mostly trust Gods will because hes seen my life before I lived it.
I am no where close to where I really want to be and Iam continuing to fight and work hard to get to the platform of where I can sit back and say yes this is where I call success in the life of Karisma, but I am grateful that I am 1 step closer than I was last year, because I haven’t given up. As long as God bless me with years of oxygen in my lungs you will continue to see the gifts that I inherited from God.
So to my dear father in heaven, Thank you for this year in more than words can truly express, you know how I truly feel in my heart for all you have done for me this year, and I pray you continue to love me the way you do, till my will is done on earth.
To all those that supported misskarisma.com/showroom for 2010, my thanks will for ever be with you.
As we all step into the new year all of our lives will take a step into change, some for good some for bad, but do not dwell on the bad and relive on what you don’t have and wish you could, be grateful for life to even see 2011, as you know many are 6ft under are not able to. Set small goals for yourself for 2011 and most of all live, live life, don’t sweat the small stuff and even the big stuff because there things you can not control or change once it happens.
I thank God for this year, and I thank you for being apart of my journey and following the chapters of my life in my career.
I wish you all a very Merry Xmas and a even more prosperous and successful 2011! See you in 2011!!!
I use to wonder why am I here, why was I born, why was I created, why did God plant the seed for me to born and grow in the plant of life? Why??
My curiosity as a child use to battle my mind with numerous of thoughts of my purpose, it left me wondering and questioning the whys, the hows, the how comes.
With the hand of cards that I was dealt with since early child hood, it made me feel like I was mistake that perhaps God didn’t realize I existed and somehow had an effect of amnesia and forgotten my existence.
I didn’t fit in with the kids around me in school and home didn’t make me feel any more complete. As I grew a little older, life was throwing me more curve balls than my childhood had captured, and I began to ask God literally why am I here, do you know that I am here, if so, why is all of this happening? How can all of this be existing, the pain, the hurt, the experiences. I thought perhaps God placed a foot print on my life to go through such misery, purposely, and it just didn’t add up right, and made no clear sense in my mind.
The rejection from those around me confused my heart, the rejection from men broke my heart, the rejection from life, broke me into pieces that I just couldn’t pick up and piece together. The broken pieces of my life were so sharp, sharper than glass, it cut me each time.
When God poured the dream into my heart to be a model, I felt like I had finally found my true calling and even more so, a purpose at least 1 purpose in life. It made me see the light of life, it made me want to live the wonderful gift of life, it gave me a reason to smile, it gave me an urge to wake up each morning.
But more importantly it kept me from life’s most dangerous harms. Drugs, prostitution, alcohol abuse, and even suicide. The dream that God breathe into my life, was not only a dream, it was my savior from a lot of things that could of been the result of my chapters in my life.
I didn’t carry the title of daughter, sister, mother, auntie, cousin, wife, it made my role in life seem empty, and when I had the desire to want to be a model I felt special like I was finally crowned with a title, a role, in life.
So when the gift was given to me to have the talent to be photogenic, I held on to it with my life, heart and soul, it was held on so tightly, so strongly, and if anyone felt like they could take it away from me, it would be like taking away bait from a tiger, i would quickly attack. My dream meant soo much to me, it was all I had, all I had to fight for, all I had to live for.
So I chased it with all that I had in me, I fought for it with all the fight I had in me, I treasured it wit all my heart could savor it with. As I birth my dream, I noticed the world started to see something in me, I never even saw in myself. As I placed my photographs online, the world, started to desire to Karisma, as I placed my life story online, the world started to know Karisma, as I placed my writings online the world discovered my other unknown talent, and withing a few yrs before I knew Karisma was starting to create a name of its own, and I was now a title to someone, a title to the world.
I look back at some of my old photographs as a child, when I was once so young, so sad, so lost, where I felt like i belonged no where, where I felt like I belonged to no one. Where I felt like a missing piece to a puzzle, where I felt like the black sheep, where I felt with such tragic memories that carry from childhood, I realize I am gift, a gift to this world with photography, with writings, with inspiration, with talent, with a destiny to be who I am today.
When it was told, that I wasn’t suppose to be here by doctors to my mother, because she wasn’t able to conceive, I believed it.
I am someone now, I am somebody to someone now, I carry a purpose now, I am able to touch those that I don’t know in the world, and touch those around me.
This is one of my purposes in life. When you look at a modeling photograph of me, don’t just see a pretty face, see what the picture really holds a woman who was once lost, but has been found, a woman who has a passion for her destiny.
I no longer mask my face with tears, I no longer fill my mind with questions, I no longer ask God why, I no longer carry rejection in my spirit.
My story is no fairy tale book, and with the bad hand I was dealt with in life, my life prediction was meant to be a worse outcome. No I am not a senator for the state, and no I am not the most high paid lawyer, but I turned out alright, and was able to discover, what most people on earth are trying to find…their purpose.
As I see the fan mail pouring in my emails, and the comments displayed by my pictures, it melts my heart that God didn’t forget about me, that God knows that I do exist, that God did give me a purpose, that God did grant me a title, and that I am able to live with that everyday…
Addiction what is it really, how much power does it really weigh, how much control can it force, how much can it leave marks in one’s life. How much can it destroy? How much can it penetrate a humans mind, a humans body, a humans soul. Addictions can be ones best friend and their body’s worst enemy. Addictions carry so much power and carry so much credit, and even put on pedestals, and often put 1st in ones in life.
When you wake up each day, what is the one thing you can not live with out? What is your Addiction?
Addiction isn’t only for a drug habit, it’s something your human soul can not live without.
Like the cocaine that snorts up the nose, like the white powdery substance that puts on a natural high, with each inhale to subside the pain, Like the everlasting taste in the mouth from the bittersweet alcohol, that one yearns and must have every night, Like the strip clubs a man must attend every day of the week, like its a religious retreat that becomes a necessary asset in their life, Like the forbidden pussy a man strokes in because he cant get enough.
Like the porno collection that sits on the laptop and consistently makes an orgasm with himself, as he strokes, with each moan, and fills himself with pleasure, with having the addiction need to have it, it lacks him his job, his friends and family because of its addiction.
Like the love she must have, like the satisfaction she yearns from a man, like the passion she must retrieve from a man, like the everlasting love she seeks for, like the happiness and joy that comes from a production of happy love, like the she fights for love that even if its blind, she doesn’t see, like craving of having a white wedding dress to walk down the aisle with, Like the Love, the Men, the passion, the happiness: that is her addiction, it is a drug one cannot live without and she fights to have in her daily life.
One thinks about it daily, one feens for it uncontrollably, one fights for it recklessly. It takes a deeper and personal fight with one self to resist.
Just as bad as the cocaine that runs through a blood stream, and slowly destroys, it just as bad for me. Just as the alcohol that tears down the liver organs, by each drink, its just as bad for me. Just as the obsession of lust and sex, its just as bad for me. Just as the inhalant of illegal drugs that deteriorates your body, its just as bad for me.
Its an addiction and like any addiction it defines instability and tries to pretend to cure a pain and put on a temporary high, it fools you into thinking its what you need more than anything else, it mind plays your brain into cat and mouse chase games, you chase after its high, and good temporary feeling, but it never gives you what you really need, because its trap that paints your fantasy’s, your illusions, when in the end its really your enemy tearing you down, bringing you down, and fooling you.
I wont sit here and offer advice to addiction, because addiction is more in the control of you and your mind, but the first thing to be set free from its imprisonment, is to admit your addiction, admit your problem, and find out what is making you have this addiction, what is masking your problems, to make u cover it with the face of addiction.
Don’ t judge addictive’s, don’t snare at them, don’t criticize them, because as they struggle with their own battle, there is one that you may have of your own, just because your addiction isnt what theirs is, doesn’t mean its not a problem.
Like the cocaine addicts, like the alcohol abusers, like sex and lust addictions, for I know its a problem an addiction problem that I only go to God to help me with before I am forever lost..
Help me find he direction, become my compass in this forest of life, help me with this route, give me clarity to clear my vision in my path, save me from obstacles that land in my way to distract me, help find the destination and not make no u turns to what I now leave behind me. Don’t let me become lost for I ‘ve already felt like I am missing.
Give me hope to the pain and despair. Clear my dark clouds and let your love shine and be the light I need to illuminate my path, don’t let me fall in the pit holes that the enemy throws to detour my destination, give me maximum strength remedy to not let me give up and to hold on to your chains that are tied to my soul by you for it is easy to become weak to become lost, to become scared, to become hopeless.
I wear my pride over my clothing but my pain underneath fights my battle with a stronger force and I ask and beg for your help.
Many stand on the sideline and snicker to see if I ll succeed my journey, ban them. Clear my path Father, clear my way, clean my vision to see what really lies before me, don’t let the dust of nature in life blind me to where I really need to be.
Help me Lord, for I feel like I take 5 steps forward in this journey and end up 20 steps back. I stumble through this journey of life, I catch my self trip and fall, but I always manage to dust the the dust off and get back up, but now I have tripped and fallen hard, and I am taking every strength to get back up and follow this destination you’ve personally assigned to me. Because of my human soul, and for my imperfect traits that are embedded into me, I become weak like the next human being that it even fights the strong strength that you specially gift made for me as a characteristic in my personality. I ve become weak, and I need your recharge, I need your electricity to fire up the charge and bring me back up and make me strong again. The weak always fail, and as your student, I will not fail you Lord.
I carry war scars all over my heart, but I ve become the survivor of my own pain and experiences.
I don’t know where I am going in this journey, but I listen to you as a gps system, you say go right I go right, you say go left and I go left, but I am lost, and I need you to continue to guide me in this life, but help me get back up.
Please disinfect the pain in me that slowly deteriorates my body.
You know my fate, you know my destination, you know the route I am suppose to take, and I will use the little bit of energy that lies within me to follow you Lord, and I will follow because I believe in your promises and I beleive you will make me see the light of day, and I believe you will bring me to where I really need to be in this journey of life.
As I am here, on this ground I look up to you, for I have fallen, and I ask you Lord…Please help me!….
Signed Miss Karisma
“Baby I love you” she says to him. “Shut up!!” he responds back. She turns her head ignoring his response.
He than grabs her by her arm and yells “Come here Bitch, where you going!!” and throws her against the wall.
She looks into his eyes as hers starts to tear up and form the words out of her trembling lips : “Baby you at it again, you’ve been drinking..” “shut the fuck up bitch, did I tell u 2 speak!!” he asks her as he shoves her face in to the wall.
She trys 2 get away but he pulls her with a heavier force n says “don’t you move again bitch and slaps her across her face”…
Physical abuse is like a color that has different shades it can be black, blue, brown, or even like colors of a rainbow to display the different elements and weight of its true definition.
Physical abuse isn’t just simple and it isn’t just a 123 process. It can range from emotional tear down to a physical beat down and what’s worse of this mental disease it can destroy the human body and break a humans heart into pieces that are not only abused by physical scars but by depression to the soul.
It starts with signs and clues that signifys danger is around the corner, but the human heart ignores what is lurking in hoping it won’t resurface or most of all disappear but unlike magic it doesn’t just go away.
Physical abuse have become so common, so normal in today’s society its almost like a trend someone’s started making it appear to be normal, that people begin to think its cool, or even worse its Ok.
What bothers me the most about it, is that it doesn’t just devolp in a mature relationship, it has become common now in young teen girl/boys relationship as young as even 13, how can a 13 year old boy even understand how to put a hands on a young girl is beyond me, but was is worse is that the troubled behavior that has been born into his character that started so young is scary to think what the outcome of this young boy will be like in his adult years.
I am very sensitive to abuse situations. And my heart pours to those that are familiar with that world, and I wont try to sound as common or as cliche as the 1800 abuse hot line commercials that advertise on tv..with the get help, call this number advice, because in reality, who feel that comfortable to pour their heart to a complete stranger. But I will say this.
Its never easy,and it is never right but as victim of that cold world get help, get assistance, from someone you feel comfortable talking with, and you don’t have to start off with the He hit me at 1st, ease into till you know for sure, you feel safe and trusted to express yourself to this person. As easy as its not to do , don’t fall into the mind trap of he loves me, this is normal, I ll be ok, truth being in your heart you will never be ok, it will leave you with an emotional scar that sometimes it takes years to cover it up or fully heal it. Its not like a cut you get and add Neosporin, its like a burn that has several burn degrees deep into your soul that even if it scabs the scar always remain there and you will notice that by the patterns you result from it in your life.
Sometimes the emotional pain of it hurts more than the wounds that were given by the one person you love.
And sometimes it seems like that world of yours is so dark and closed in like you are trapped alone in a cave, but don’t let that feeling dawn on you, you are not alone.
As the tears rain down on your face, as hard as it may be shovel it through it and find the strength and get the help that is needed to heal you and your life don’t fall for a prisoner of abuse and serve a 10, 20, or life sentenced tied down to the pain because you don’t know if you ll make it. Its an easy pattern to pick up, once you ‘ve been abused, its like after all that follows becomes similar to the painful situation, because its become all you now know.
Don’t let that be you, and understand that it takes time, lots of time, and healing to really get over a physical abuse situation. Be patient with yourself and have faith and most of all prayer and know that there is a new day I know its easier said than done but if it helps, at all just look at my reflection…
Signed Miss Karisma
People often question my spiritual belief, doubting my high addiction of love for the holy one, misinterpreting my true feelings for the Lord, and rejecting my faithful faith in the Lord.
“So how can you do what you do, and be a Christian? How can you do what you do and carry such a high spiritual faith in the lord?” many ask.
Easy, my faith in God, my connection with the Lord, my forever love for Jehovah is not defined by my occupation or even by who I am in life, it is created by my heart, and lived by my faith and I am judged only by him.
There is no doubt or secret by now that I truly love what I do, but that I also carry a high dose of spiritual love in me as well. I have 2 loves and that is my passion and my love for God.
In most “Christian eyes” I don’t meet the qualifications to be a full blooded Christian because my profession is suppose to define me. In “Christian believer eyes” I ‘ve failed the test of validation of Christianity because “Christians” don’t do what I do.
So for clarification to those many wondering thoughts of Christian believers, I state this
I don’t turn to my camera when I have a problem. I don’t talk to my laptop when I am going through a situation. I do not ask my digital camera for advice. I go to God, I talk to God for everything. I pray to him for everything. Before, I film I pray, before I sleep I pray, before I eat I pray, when in doubt I call on to God, when I need someone I go to God, and by no means do I pull out my camera and have a chit chat or expect my camera or laptop to solve my current issues.
By no means do I start to dance when I cry, no I go to my best friend and that is God.
Do I live my daily routine holy, I definitely try to. I read God’s word daily and ask him to guide me that day in his direction, help me to be good to others, and fuel me with the drive to be the example of his heart.
I seek the Lord’s love, advice, blessings, and direction for every single day of my life. I carry myself with praise and pride in what I do, and by no means am I ashamed of what I do. I’ ve been doing my career for many years, and even though I am a vet at what I do, it still doesn’t define me and most of all doesn’t make an excuse for me to not be a Christian, to not be in love with the Lord. No, I refuse to beleive that strippers don’t go to church, that porn stars are not religious, and although I don’t carry those titles, if I am sitting by one in church I wouldn’t look at them like they have 2 heads of why they are in church, I would actually give them more respect that they come into the house of the Lord, with the high level of criticism they receive from society and still be able to show a face of faith in the Lord and not be bothered by judges in this high criticizing world.
I think about my life a lot, the blessing that God has rained down on me, I think about my body that is so admired by both sexes, the gifts that I have to share with the world, and the opportunity’s God has blessed me with to express it to the world.
It makes me think about its a blessing to have the body I have, with no surgery, no diet plan, no exercise, its a blessing to be able to have the ability to have two legs to model and pose, two legs to be able to dance with, a body that has been sculpted delicately by the hands of God, with no injections or artificial makings to make me look how I am.
I mean can you just imagine being crippled or disabled to not have the ability to walk or dance, being paralyzed waist down, that is why I give the credit to God for blessing me with the legs, and the body, and the strength.
Because I do know that 1 day I will get old, one day I will not be able to have the energy to get up and dance, that one day my body will wrinkle up, so why not take advantage of it. That is why I look at the blessing to be able to have it but most of all able to do it.
So once again, how can I do what I do and be a Christian in love with the Lord, simple answer God blessed be with a body do to what I do, God gave me energy, two arms, two legs, and a slim sized 0 body with no help of my own. God gave me the drive to do what I do, God gave the talents to be my own producer of everything I create and have the talent to be the model/dancer in front of the camera. God gave it all, and why would I not appreciate him, why would I not be in love with him, why would I not be a “Christian.”
Throughout my life, I ve been criticized and talked about even long before my career, and I learned at a young age, that it is only God I must answer to, it is only God that can and will judge me. I don’t owe no Pastor, no christian, no human being anything, because the only one on that is on the throne is who that matters.
When I wake up in the morning I get so EXCITED to do what I do, to turn on the camera and film myself gives me one of lifes greatest joy, I call it my life’s natural high, and I am so addicted.
God created me, God made me as I am with no mistakes, God created my destiny.
God has broken a curse that was implanted into me at a young innocent age.
And when God breathe his life into me, I knew that I had to follow his path, to live for him, to be an example, and to give him credit with everything he blessed me with.
I need God, I need him for everything. I need him for my career, and I need him to live this crazy life of mines.
Yes I model, yes I dance sexy, yes I pose provocatively, yes I show my body, and yes I do all that and attach a Christian title to it, because that’s what I do, but being in love with the Lord, being a “Christian” is who I am.
When I would think of love, I would think of the definition of pain. When someone would ask me about love, I would put the word pain in the same sentence, and express love, no it is not for me.
When I was a little girl, I believed in love like it was the fairy tales. I believed that I was going to meet my prince charming, on white horse, as he sweeps me away in our perfect world and live happily ever after.
But as the years grew, my rejection for love developed by the experiences that were left by the foot prints by the bad side of love, that men hand delivered to me. After life had gave me a bad set of cards, I threw the word of love out my window and began to accept that love isn’t for me, and that I would never find a man that worships my heart.
After years of heartache, I became bitter and angry at love and envied those that carried a defined meaning of true love in their relationships. I was a big hater to love, and I programed in my mind that love, was not a destiny in my life.
In high school, I met a man, that created and changed my world for ever. He became the meaning of various definitions in my life, that clustered over the years. The relationship started off as young and innocent, and than fell into love, but through it, our love was constantly tested and fate gave us our spoon of trials and tribulations.
Through the relationship, amazingly it held strong weight against a lot that even I was amazed we went through so much and still lasted and had love for one another, but as much as we loved each other, I had a different kind of love, an obsession that seemed to win the battle of my heart. It was an obsession for myself, and that was to be come something in life.
I had a choice to stick the relationship through and result in marriage and kids, or chase a career. I chose the success route, and made the decision to move to Tallahassee and pursue a college degree, but throughout my success chase, my heart still beated for him, through the dating world, my love still remained secretly for him, through the time, my feelings still defined for him, but they were secretly buried, in a secret place in my heart, because he was that one man that made me feel like no other.
But after all the test and trial and tribulations that we experienced in our long term love world, my heart had enough, had enough of the tears, enough of the pain and enough of the heartbreaks so much so that I said I was done. That I had tore out the love pages in my life and said I was truly done with it. At that moment, it made my only true love would be God and I would die not knowing what it would be like to walk down the aisle.
I let the negativity over consume my mind and take over my heart, and most of all not letting the past go, I held new man partially responsible for me not being able to find true love, I resented my ex, for not holding on harder for our love, and I became angry at the world, and hated to even hear the word love.
But as I grew mentally, and transition in my life, I learned and forgave myself and others, and tried the recipe to let go of my past, and I continuously prayed. I was slowly letting the chains that tied my heart from love go. Each day the chains that I put on my heart slowly loosened, each day my fear for falling in love started to diminish, each day I started to put the past in a little box, and seal it, and each day I slowly prepared my heart and mind to receive the love I deserve.
I felt like a prisoner of my own heart, I had locked it up with heavy chains, wrapped the chains around my heart multiple times and placed a combination lock on it for no access from any man.
For months I stayed celibate, stayed away from any attention from men, I didn’t date them, I didn’t talk to them on the phone, I didn’t even think of them, I stayed focused on my career and my website. Before I sleep I prayed, prayed for myself, prayed for God to repair my mind and to sew my heart open wounds from the heart break, and to teach me to love myself first, to give me a dose of forgiveness, and pain reliever to fully let go of my past.
I asked God to please fix what I couldn’t, because he and I know the baggage I carry would be unhealthy in any relationship. And as of now for the first time in my life, I can say I am ready. I am ready for love, I am ready to receive love and give my heart on a silver platter.
I am ready to love a man fully again, trust him again, treat him like king, and build a solid foundation that can later result in marriage.
I am ready to have the past only live in the past and let men’s past mistakes stay right where they happened, and when it happened, in the past. Iam ready to fully trust a man and not let the past infidelities circumstances, take over my new relationship because he is not responsible.
I am ready to love again and most of all accept the gift from God, true love that I know he saved for me. In a few years I do want a marriage, but it begins with me first by me accepting myself, and fixing my flaws and being the best that I can be, but most of all is to let go of the past.
I am ready to be loved and have him love me. I want the trust between us, I want the love between us, I want the faith and Lord to direct us. I want a platform in pur relationship that is solid and hand built by us, with complete trust, 100% love, and most of all having the Lord as our director, teacher, and mentor. Our love has be approved by God or it will never survive.
I worked on myself and imperfections but I am still holding on to Gods hand has he guides my way, because I dont want to ever become lost again. I learned that with faith and prayer is the answer and the best advice, you talk to your friends to release your thoughts but you go to God for help.
I no longer want to carry a bitter face when men approach me, I no longer want eye roll at the thought of love, and I am opening my heart with open gates for a chance to emotionally know what it is like to have love.
With time, faith, and prayer am thankfully and gracefully ready…
Love to me was like a bad taste in my mou