When I would think of love, I would think of the definition of pain. When someone would ask me about love, I would put the word pain in the same sentence, and express love, no it is not for me.
When I was a little girl, I believed in love like it was the fairy tales. I believed that I was going to meet my prince charming, on white horse, as he sweeps me away in our perfect world and live happily ever after.
But as the years grew, my rejection for love developed by the experiences that were left by the foot prints by the bad side of love, that men hand delivered to me. After life had gave me a bad set of cards, I threw the word of love out my window and began to accept that love isn’t for me, and that I would never find a man that worships my heart.
After years of heartache, I became bitter and angry at love and envied those that carried a defined meaning of true love in their relationships. I was a big hater to love, and I programed in my mind that love, was not a destiny in my life.
In high school, I met a man, that created and changed my world for ever. He became the meaning of various definitions in my life, that clustered over the years. The relationship started off as young and innocent, and than fell into love, but through it, our love was constantly tested and fate gave us our spoon of trials and tribulations.
Through the relationship, amazingly it held strong weight against a lot that even I was amazed we went through so much and still lasted and had love for one another, but as much as we loved each other, I had a different kind of love, an obsession that seemed to win the battle of my heart. It was an obsession for myself, and that was to be come something in life.
I had a choice to stick the relationship through and result in marriage and kids, or chase a career. I chose the success route, and made the decision to move to Tallahassee and pursue a college degree, but throughout my success chase, my heart still beated for him, through the dating world, my love still remained secretly for him, through the time, my feelings still defined for him, but they were secretly buried, in a secret place in my heart, because he was that one man that made me feel like no other.
But after all the test and trial and tribulations that we experienced in our long term love world, my heart had enough, had enough of the tears, enough of the pain and enough of the heartbreaks so much so that I said I was done. That I had tore out the love pages in my life and said I was truly done with it. At that moment, it made my only true love would be God and I would die not knowing what it would be like to walk down the aisle.
I let the negativity over consume my mind and take over my heart, and most of all not letting the past go, I held new man partially responsible for me not being able to find true love, I resented my ex, for not holding on harder for our love, and I became angry at the world, and hated to even hear the word love.
But as I grew mentally, and transition in my life, I learned and forgave myself and others, and tried the recipe to let go of my past, and I continuously prayed. I was slowly letting the chains that tied my heart from love go. Each day the chains that I put on my heart slowly loosened, each day my fear for falling in love started to diminish, each day I started to put the past in a little box, and seal it, and each day I slowly prepared my heart and mind to receive the love I deserve.
I felt like a prisoner of my own heart, I had locked it up with heavy chains, wrapped the chains around my heart multiple times and placed a combination lock on it for no access from any man.
For months I stayed celibate, stayed away from any attention from men, I didn’t date them, I didn’t talk to them on the phone, I didn’t even think of them, I stayed focused on my career and my website. Before I sleep I prayed, prayed for myself, prayed for God to repair my mind and to sew my heart open wounds from the heart break, and to teach me to love myself first, to give me a dose of forgiveness, and pain reliever to fully let go of my past.
I asked God to please fix what I couldn’t, because he and I know the baggage I carry would be unhealthy in any relationship. And as of now for the first time in my life, I can say I am ready. I am ready for love, I am ready to receive love and give my heart on a silver platter.
I am ready to love a man fully again, trust him again, treat him like king, and build a solid foundation that can later result in marriage.
I am ready to have the past only live in the past and let men’s past mistakes stay right where they happened, and when it happened, in the past. Iam ready to fully trust a man and not let the past infidelities circumstances, take over my new relationship because he is not responsible.
I am ready to love again and most of all accept the gift from God, true love that I know he saved for me. In a few years I do want a marriage, but it begins with me first by me accepting myself, and fixing my flaws and being the best that I can be, but most of all is to let go of the past.
I am ready to be loved and have him love me. I want the trust between us, I want the love between us, I want the faith and Lord to direct us. I want a platform in pur relationship that is solid and hand built by us, with complete trust, 100% love, and most of all having the Lord as our director, teacher, and mentor. Our love has be approved by God or it will never survive.
I worked on myself and imperfections but I am still holding on to Gods hand has he guides my way, because I dont want to ever become lost again. I learned that with faith and prayer is the answer and the best advice, you talk to your friends to release your thoughts but you go to God for help.
I no longer want to carry a bitter face when men approach me, I no longer want eye roll at the thought of love, and I am opening my heart with open gates for a chance to emotionally know what it is like to have love.
With time, faith, and prayer am thankfully and gracefully ready…
Love to me was like a bad taste in my mou